No, no. [He furrows his brow and looks down, trying to find the right words.] I wasn't... I wasn't upset. That's the thing. I was upset with myself, not with you. You're the one who did the right thing.
And you were trying to talk to me, and I brushed you off because I was in a hurry to lock myself up away from everybody else. I'm really sorry for that. I've been away from you the whole month, and... now...
I wasn't right. I told you -- neither of us was right. It's not right to let people die, but whether you tore down this hotel or not, people were going to die.
[He places his hands in his lap, curling them into fists.] I'm not in any position to really say this, but if we keep blaming each other, or ourselves, then we'll lose. To here, to the Technicians -- Adachi-san, too. He'll want us to not be able to work together.
[that's not exactly what he was trying to say. Not really. Yes, this is a little bit of ground they've already trodden, but the reasoning is different this time. Yosuke's not apologizing for what he did... but for why he did it. He's trying to open up, here.
A very face-your-shadow kind of thing.
With a sigh, he saunters over to Ken's bed and takes a seat, not paying much mind to the possibility that he'll get sick. It's been a constant risk wherever he went in the Box for weeks now, anyway.]
... Listen. You know what we told you when we first got here...? About Adachi, and how he killed two people.
One of those people was my senpai, and a really important friend of mine. [he looks down at the ground, trouble infecting his expression.] Well... not really a friend, I guess. Someone I thought was a friend. I would see her almost every day at school and work... she was always really nice to me.
But after Adachi killed her, I found out she totally hated me. I was making her life miserable without even knowing it. And she died stuck in all that misery. The shadows grabbed it and killed her with it.
[He listens in silence, but he turns his head toward Yosuke to show that he's listening.
He's not one for heart-to-hearts. At least, not just with anybody. There were times he confessed things to Leader, like that time when the grandpa from the bookstore became a Lost, but that was different. Leader was Leader, and it was after all the trouble he'd caused, making everyone worry and going against orders. He owed it to Leader to assure him everything was fine. This was different from that. He doesn't know how to react to Yosuke, and he doesn't want to say anything Yosuke would have to react to.
But he frowns and opens his hands this time just to have something to do.]
... Just because the Shadows killed her with it, that doesn't make it Hanamura-san's fault. You-- you know that, right?
[Yosuke shakes his head, agreeing with Ken and dismissing the idea. He'd come to the point where he no longer blamed himself for what happened to Saki. But he's not done.]
But... whether it was my fault doesn't really matter. Because I still treated her that way. I still saw her and treated her in a way I shouldn't have, you know? [he sighs and brings a hand to his forehead.] What I'm trying to say, is - I'm sorry. For... why I didn't listen to you and Naoto.
You're the one who ended up hurt and dying because of it. You don't have to apologize to me for anything. Besides, you... cared about this person, didn't you? You sounded like you did.
Even if she hated you, it sounds like you were being nice to her. How could you have known? [Even if Ken hated him, and Shinjiro thought Ken had the right to, Shinjiro still made him food and asked whenever he thought Ken was sick. He yelled at Ken when he recklessly ran into danger, and... He'd never be able to like that man but he knew just as well as anybody that Shinjiro had made mistakes; he wasn't as horrible a person as he had wanted to believe. And he should never have to apologize for that.] You shouldn't have to apologize about caring about someone.
You don't owe me anything, you don't! We didn't have a leader. We didn't have any orders, and we didn't have any answers -- you did what you thought was right, you know? Isn't that -- wasn't that the most we could have done?
[Yosuke, hurt and dying? That was only natural. In the frenzy of the quarantine break, something like that could've only been expected. But Ken didn't deserve it, Naoto didn't deserve it, Ichigo didn't deserve it. Saki didn't deserve it...
Something tight and uncomfortable rises in his throat, choking him. No, he can't cry here - he can't cry in front of Ken. He'd look like such a gigantic loser. Not much of a big senpai for him at all. He manages to keep back any tears, but his face and voice are wrought with contained despair as a result.
What he's being told makes sense. It's not his fault; he didn't know all of this would happen. He thought it was the right thing to do at the time. But no one was there to stop him from doing something stupid. This time, his partner's hand wasn't there to stop his own.]
I have the pathogen just like a bunch of other people. I'm not gonna feel sorry for myself about this, so you don't need to either.
[Death grew on trees around here. He didn't like seeing people die and he certainly didn't like playing a role in other people's deaths, but he looks down at his hands and thinks about the first time he bled because of the disease. He's used to seeing blood, he tells himself; water turns into blood in the Dark Hour, and there wasn't a night he got out of there uninjured. There isn't anything to fear.
It just makes him feel sick that the thought is a direct echo from the man who killed Shinjiro that October night. Life is but a stepping stone...]
Are you going to be tied to the past? If you keep looking over your shoulder at what happened, you'll screw up the next time, too.
[The words would be accusatory if Yosuke's quivering voice didn't sound so meek and pathetic. Then, paradoxically, he laughs bitterly and shakes his head.]
...I thought I was better than this now.
[Not all that long ago, Yosuke promised Souji that he would live for the present, and live his life to the fullest. Has he broken that already?
It was stupid to come here and say all of this. He should have just given Ken the gifts he brought, asked him how he was doing, and left.]
[He shakes his head, and though he's always kept his posture straight and proper around Yosuke, never letting his guard down, he throws himself on his back now, arms stretches out, staring at the ceiling. The lights aren't exactly fixed so it's dark, but there's enough light from the window to count the stains in the tiles.]
You say it like you thought it would be easy, Hanamura-san. Even I...
[He sighs.] I promised my mom I'd be fine. I told Aragaki-san I'd take care of the rest. I thought I decided to move on and forward, and that was why Nemesis turned into Kala-Nemi. But I think coming here threw me back to square one -- I'm just as pathetic as you think you are.
[Yeah, Ken is right. And that just makes him feel worse about it. As bad as his problems are, everyone deals with the same difficulties in the Box, and don't other people have circumstances way worse than what Yosuke brought with him when he arrived? Ken is a good example. His mom is dead, he saw someone die trying to protect him...
But one little scrap of Ken's words strike him a little differently than the rest. "Coming here threw me back to square one." Frowning, he glances over.]
... yeah. Yeah, maybe... is that it...?
[Everyone deals with the same difficulties in the Box. But... everyone's values and strength could falter under that pressure, too.]
I mean - what you said, about being thrown back to square one by coming here. We're being...worn-out?
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
inretribution) wrote2014-07-06 02:59 pm
no subject
And you were trying to talk to me, and I brushed you off because I was in a hurry to lock myself up away from everybody else. I'm really sorry for that. I've been away from you the whole month, and... now...
[now he's sick. could it have been avoided?]
no subject
[He places his hands in his lap, curling them into fists.] I'm not in any position to really say this, but if we keep blaming each other, or ourselves, then we'll lose. To here, to the Technicians -- Adachi-san, too. He'll want us to not be able to work together.
no subject
[that's not exactly what he was trying to say. Not really. Yes, this is a little bit of ground they've already trodden, but the reasoning is different this time. Yosuke's not apologizing for what he did... but for why he did it. He's trying to open up, here.
A very face-your-shadow kind of thing.
With a sigh, he saunters over to Ken's bed and takes a seat, not paying much mind to the possibility that he'll get sick. It's been a constant risk wherever he went in the Box for weeks now, anyway.]
... Listen. You know what we told you when we first got here...? About Adachi, and how he killed two people.
One of those people was my senpai, and a really important friend of mine. [he looks down at the ground, trouble infecting his expression.] Well... not really a friend, I guess. Someone I thought was a friend. I would see her almost every day at school and work... she was always really nice to me.
But after Adachi killed her, I found out she totally hated me. I was making her life miserable without even knowing it. And she died stuck in all that misery. The shadows grabbed it and killed her with it.
no subject
He's not one for heart-to-hearts. At least, not just with anybody. There were times he confessed things to Leader, like that time when the grandpa from the bookstore became a Lost, but that was different. Leader was Leader, and it was after all the trouble he'd caused, making everyone worry and going against orders. He owed it to Leader to assure him everything was fine. This was different from that. He doesn't know how to react to Yosuke, and he doesn't want to say anything Yosuke would have to react to.
But he frowns and opens his hands this time just to have something to do.]
... Just because the Shadows killed her with it, that doesn't make it Hanamura-san's fault. You-- you know that, right?
no subject
[Yosuke shakes his head, agreeing with Ken and dismissing the idea. He'd come to the point where he no longer blamed himself for what happened to Saki. But he's not done.]
But... whether it was my fault doesn't really matter. Because I still treated her that way. I still saw her and treated her in a way I shouldn't have, you know? [he sighs and brings a hand to his forehead.] What I'm trying to say, is - I'm sorry. For... why I didn't listen to you and Naoto.
no subject
You're the one who ended up hurt and dying because of it. You don't have to apologize to me for anything. Besides, you... cared about this person, didn't you? You sounded like you did.
Even if she hated you, it sounds like you were being nice to her. How could you have known? [Even if Ken hated him, and Shinjiro thought Ken had the right to, Shinjiro still made him food and asked whenever he thought Ken was sick. He yelled at Ken when he recklessly ran into danger, and... He'd never be able to like that man but he knew just as well as anybody that Shinjiro had made mistakes; he wasn't as horrible a person as he had wanted to believe. And he should never have to apologize for that.] You shouldn't have to apologize about caring about someone.
You don't owe me anything, you don't! We didn't have a leader. We didn't have any orders, and we didn't have any answers -- you did what you thought was right, you know? Isn't that -- wasn't that the most we could have done?
no subject
Something tight and uncomfortable rises in his throat, choking him. No, he can't cry here - he can't cry in front of Ken. He'd look like such a gigantic loser. Not much of a big senpai for him at all. He manages to keep back any tears, but his face and voice are wrought with contained despair as a result.
What he's being told makes sense. It's not his fault; he didn't know all of this would happen. He thought it was the right thing to do at the time. But no one was there to stop him from doing something stupid. This time, his partner's hand wasn't there to stop his own.]
But... Ken... n-now, you're...
no subject
[Death grew on trees around here. He didn't like seeing people die and he certainly didn't like playing a role in other people's deaths, but he looks down at his hands and thinks about the first time he bled because of the disease. He's used to seeing blood, he tells himself; water turns into blood in the Dark Hour, and there wasn't a night he got out of there uninjured. There isn't anything to fear.
It just makes him feel sick that the thought is a direct echo from the man who killed Shinjiro that October night. Life is but a stepping stone...]
Are you going to be tied to the past? If you keep looking over your shoulder at what happened, you'll screw up the next time, too.
no subject
[The words would be accusatory if Yosuke's quivering voice didn't sound so meek and pathetic. Then, paradoxically, he laughs bitterly and shakes his head.]
...I thought I was better than this now.
[Not all that long ago, Yosuke promised Souji that he would live for the present, and live his life to the fullest. Has he broken that already?
It was stupid to come here and say all of this. He should have just given Ken the gifts he brought, asked him how he was doing, and left.]
Sorry.
no subject
[He shakes his head, and though he's always kept his posture straight and proper around Yosuke, never letting his guard down, he throws himself on his back now, arms stretches out, staring at the ceiling. The lights aren't exactly fixed so it's dark, but there's enough light from the window to count the stains in the tiles.]
You say it like you thought it would be easy, Hanamura-san. Even I...
[He sighs.] I promised my mom I'd be fine. I told Aragaki-san I'd take care of the rest. I thought I decided to move on and forward, and that was why Nemesis turned into Kala-Nemi. But I think coming here threw me back to square one -- I'm just as pathetic as you think you are.
no subject
But one little scrap of Ken's words strike him a little differently than the rest. "Coming here threw me back to square one." Frowning, he glances over.]
... yeah. Yeah, maybe... is that it...?
[Everyone deals with the same difficulties in the Box. But... everyone's values and strength could falter under that pressure, too.]
I mean - what you said, about being thrown back to square one by coming here. We're being...worn-out?
no subject
... They know things about us. You guys do it in battle too, don't you? Exploiting the enemies' weaknesses.